Thursday, June 19, 2014

6 Surefire Ways to be a Crappy Spouse

I've read some inspiring, practical, downright dreamy articles about marriage lately. This one? Spot on. This one? Perfect. What I aspire to be. Supportive. Loving. Uplifting. Helpful. I read them and they speak to my soul and I think of the little steps I can take to make big changes and be a better partner in my marriage. Because goodness knows that there is room for improvement on my part. Exhibit A. Exhibit B. Ugh. Exhibit C, too. (hangs head in shame)

Great with our first child-young and in loooove
That's the mature part of me. Taking in some new insights and information and using it to better myself. Yeah me!

Then there's the sarcastic side of me. The side that, when I was in labor with Asher and I kindly suggested (shouted) that my body was going to explode, the midwife assured me that I was doing great and everything was going to be okay. To which I replied, "Actually. . . it's not okay." We still get a nice, big kick out of that one. Apparently DeNae in pain gets a little sassy.

Anyway, the sarcastic side of me scoffs at the sage advice offered in the articles above and comes up with a list of my own. A list that I've perfected. Really, there is so little room for improvement on my part that I could gold medal in many of these categories. Don't be jealous. It's bad. Do pity my spouse. Almost 17 years of marriage, people.

Without further ado, I present to you:

6 Surefire Ways to be a Crappy Spouse

1- Stop date night the minute your first baby is born.
No more grown up conversations and time alone. Who needs it? Not us!

2-Put your children's needs above your spouse's. I'm not talking a little above. I'm talking miles.
An off-shoot of #1. Answer kid's questions even if you're in the middle of a conversation. Greet kids first. All kid all the time.

3-As soon as you get the kids to bed, everyone, quick, open your computers and click away. No conversations allowed.
Whether it's work or blog or research on the cell phone plan or ordering a birthday gift or anything computer related, it takes all night and can't be interrupted by any bonding.

4-Take your already lackadaisical housekeeping skills and your non-existent fashion sense and toss them out the window.
Dust bunnies and yoga pants.

No matter how insignificant or huge the task, from cutting up baby's food to bedtime routine to the labeling of kitchen canisters, there is a right way to do it. It's called my way. Get with it.

Roll your eyes, too. You know, for full effect. Because everyone just loves that!

If you are doing the majority of these things, you are guaranteed to be making your spouse miserable.

Which is the opposite of what we want to do, right? Right?? Right.

Clearly I'm exaggerating here. Or at least I hope that's clear, especially to my husband who will read this. But really, do the opposite of these things, reference those beautifully thought out blog posts above, and watch your marriage grow like the weeds in my backyard after the 5th straight day of thunderstorms.

Or, to break it down to the lowest common denominator, treat others how you want to be treated. Works in kindergarten. Works in marriage, too.

Your turn: What's your best marital advice? Or, what "advice" can you add to this list?


  1. With the roll of the eyes, don't forget the exasperated "huff" of air. Totally helps get your point across.

  2. Oh the canister examples has me almost peeing my pants.