Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Life still goes on

I want to wrap them up in a little bow. All of the words and thoughts and emotions flying mad dash through my brain, giving me whiplash as I try to make sense of them all. But I can't wrap it up pretty and I can't make it make sense because it is a constant contradiction. I"m so excited. And I'm so sad. I can't even find time to tap them out since packing the boxes and distracting the baby and running with my friends as often as we can squeeze it onto our schedule takes up all of the hours of the day.

We've lived our last Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday in Minnesota. On Sunday, I hugged people at church and clung to them like a shipwrecked person clings to her life jacket. I am going to miss that place, that community, those people so very much. There is so much of this life I want to hang on to.

On Saturday we said a really tough goodbye to my nephews, my kids' cousins. They had a wonderful time playing at the park together, like those kiddos always do. It was the first time I thought, "Maybe we made a mistake." They have such a neat, easy, fun, loving relationship. Distance will make that more difficult. I hate that.

On Sunday, all of our furniture got carried out of our house and put into pods. It echoes in here. Not the beautiful echo over a steep valley. A lonely echo of emptiness and barren land. I walked through and I said, "Our home isn't our home anymore. It just became a house again."

On Monday we said "see you later" to Audrey's best friend from co-op. Then we had dinner with some of our beloved neighbors and friends. We are having our last moments with our favorite friends and it is really hard.

The other day I went for a run with three of my favorite friends. I had all four kids along and Asher kept tossing toys out of the stroller and Elliot kept slowing down to wipe his nose and he wanted to bike right by me because he likes to talk to me while we bike/run. Well, goodness, I'm not going to argue with that one. So, my friends got ahead of me. I watched them run ahead of me and I realized this is how it will be now. They will keep going together, sharing stories and life together, without me. And I know I signed up for this and I am excited for lots of pieces of it, but that realization stung. I know our friendships won't end, not by a long shot, but the ease and immediacy of it will.
Insert big, sad sigh.

Life is chaos right now and we are handling it as well as we can. Even though it is something we're looking forward to, there is obviously a lot of stress involved. I'm hugging kids more often and asking open ended questions to make sure they're doing okay. I'm forgiving Asher for being up every hour and a half around the clock since he's getting four molars and learning to talk and learning to walk and we're packing up every single thing he's familiar with. We can talk about our stress. He can take separation anxiety to a whole new level and need his mama. Not ideal, but it's just how life is right now.

Life goes on. Even when it kind of feels like it won't. Like Thursday is the end of all of the best. But life still goes on. Thank goodness.

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