Most days I do my own thing and write about what's in my heart and going on in my life. Today I'm going to answer the prompt for the day because it's something I think about often, but don't actually have the guts to talk about out loud.
Do you have a book in you?
Fact or fiction?
Related to your blog, or totally different from it?
I want to say yes. I want to say yes so badly. There is a book living in my soul just waiting for me to put it on paper. And I think that might be the truth. But I worry I'm too scared to try to capture the words fluttering about in my soul and release them onto paper. I worry my ideas aren't strong enough and my words aren't good enough. I worry that if I did actually do this big thing, putting lots of words on lots of pieces of paper for lots of people to decide if they are worthy of actual book status, they'd be rejected time and time again.
But here's what it boils down to. I worry that I would be rejected. I worry that I would take the rejection of a book and make it a big, fat rejection of me. Not that my words aren't ready for a book, but that I'm not enough. I know so little about the process of becoming an author because I am scared of putting myself out there and risking the hurt of not having a dream come true.
Do you worry like that? Do you steer clear of big changes and big chances because you're worried it will end with rejection and disappointment?
I do. It is not my favorite part about me.
In fact, I started this blog with a post about facing my fears and insecurities and in some ways I have and in others I'm the same fearful person.
But just because I am today doesn't mean I have to be forever. Baby steps are steps, too.
So, yes, I have a book in me. At this point in my life I would say it is fact and mostly based on my blog, with expanded stories and thoughts. It is about motherhood in a world where we can know everything in .3 seconds, but most of what we need can't be found online or in books. It is about life in a world where everything can look perfect, but nothing is actually perfect. It is about matters of the heart and soul. It is about the life that happens when the camera is put away and the house is messy and one kid has a bloody nose and the other wants to start a leaf raking business in December and the other hasn't napped all day and the other hates unloading the dishwasher.
It is about this beautiful, frightening, kind, angry world that we call home and about what gets us out of bed each day to up the beautiful and kind and squash the frightening and angry.
So, there you have it. My fears. My hopes. My dreams.
What are you dreaming about and maybe too scared to admit?