Sunday, October 18, 2015

Life. When it isn't all shiny and sparkly.

I have this package waiting to be opened. It came about a week and a half before my marathon. I know what's inside of it: a medal and a t-shirt that says, "#foundmystrong.

I meant to pack it to open after I finished my marathon in Minnesota. It felt wrong to open it beforehand because I wanted to really earn it. In the hoopla of packing for the family and the pup, I forgot about it and it sat on the bottom step leading upstairs.

Now it's been two weeks since the marathon and I can't finish my marathon write up and I can't open the package.

Here's the thing. You just have to be enough for yourself. I just have to be enough for myself.**

Maybe you're waiting for a marathon finish or a job offer, a number on the scale or a certain person to look your way, a new car or the right dining room table to make you believe that you're enough. It'll never work. It might fool you for a few moments, but it won't last.

I'm working on quieting the murmurs and shouts of self-doubt in my mind. This is not a cry for help or an annoying fish for compliments. I know what many people think of me. I know my friends and family love me. Kristen and Shaun, my best running friends, reminded me that I am awesome about 14 times along the race course. Plus a few times since then because they're just good like that. And my mom's profile picture on facebook is me running my marathon. And my son told his confirmation teacher that I did an awesome job on my marathon. And on and on it goes.

Sometimes all the words in the world don't sink in. So I'm working on it. I just wanted to share it here in case you're working on it, too. Sometimes life seems so shiny and pretty for everyone else. It isn't.

So let's keep working and loving, striving and caring. For ourselves and for others.

**Here's the other thing. My tummy is full, my shelter is warm, my family is healthy. Those things alone make me one of the most fortunate people in the world. Without my cushy life, I wouldn't have the time or energy to worry about silly things like this. But, again, sometimes all the words in the world don't sink in. So I work on it.

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